A “normal” day in my life

1-13-2016 2-43-03 PM

Wake up, roll over and press snooze…wake up again and press snooze. Repeat about 3 or 4 times. I finally force myself to wake up and take a look at my phone and lay in bed for another 15 minutes. Once I drag my lifeless body out of bed, I get ready for work, take some deep breaths and gag a few times because I am nauseous (NO i’m not pregnant) pack a lunch, bitch at Brad about something stupid and give him a hundred kisses before leaving. I am hardly ever on time to work…bad habit, I know! I’m working on it.

After being at work for an hour or so, I get some breakfast in me. Not too long after eating I will start to feel exhausted…like I only got 30 minutes of sleep the night before and I’m extremely bloated. My pants are seriously a little bit tighter than they were when I put them on in the morning! This happens almost every single time I eat and its a real pain in the ass. Try staring at a computer screen and respond back to 20 emails while your dead tired….it only makes you more exhausted! And then of course I’ll get a headache which makes my day that much better.

I’ll have the occasional pelvic pains while sitting down and doing my work and it just feels like I’m getting stabbed with a tiny needle over and over again. Sometimes I feel my arms and legs start to go numb. I am assuming that is a side effect of my anxiety, which I NEVER had before. Anxiety/Panic attacks are literally the worst thing ever and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. You cannot control how you feel emotionally or physically. My anxiety always starts to creep up on me when I’m work but it will never come out full blast until I get home and am in a quiet space. When I am finally in that quiet space and don’t have my co-workers/work around to keep me distracted my body just goes haywire. My entire body will go numb, my heart starts racing and my breathing becomes shallow. I feel like I am going to pass out and die right then and there. Luckily, I never go through these panic attacks alone and I always get through them because Brad is there is to hold me and talk me through it. (THANK YOU BRAD. I don’t know what I would do with out you forcing me to say out loud that I am going to be okay.)

Some days I feel like my head is all discombobulated and just sort of fuzzy….it’s hard to explain but I’ll give it a try. When I’m having a super off day where I have this “brain fog” I have a hard time concentrating and I almost feel like my brain is just floating in space. My mind seems like it’s disconnected from my body completely and I can’t seem to get back to feeling normal. I even have trouble speaking properly sometimes and I’ll have to try and explain what I’m trying to say a couple times (i freak out when this happens). It’s just a funk I guess and it can sometimes take me a day or two to get out of 😦

So yeah I’ll feel like that while I’m at work, but try to keep myself distracted as possible so I don’t break down and freak out in front of my co-workers. Then when 5 o’clock hits, I’m out that door like lightning and rushing home hoping to god that I don’t pass out while driving or hoping that my numb ass leg doesn’t stop working while I’m pushing the gas pedal on the highway. I’ll finally get home and muster up the energy to make dinner for Brad and I and as soon as we’re done eating I will start to feel sick/tired and off. I’ll turn to Brad and say, “Babe, I don’t feel good.” and his response now-a-days is either, “I know you don’t feel good.” or “You never feel good.” And it’s true….I never feel good and it’s really fucking exhausting. The sickly feeling is sometimes accompanied by the full blown panic attack and I have to force myself to lay in bed to calm down and sleep so I can stop feeling whatever I’m feeling. Then I wake up the next day and do it all over! Sweet life right? Hahaha thank god I am taking steps to feel better cause I can imagine that reading this probably annoys the shit out of you and if it is…imagine how I feel! 😉

Let’s also talk about the other fabulous side effects that come along with having PCOS. For one there is hirtuism – which is increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes. THANK GOD this hasn’t happened to me….yet (shuddering at the thought of it) but you could also have the complete opposite of this and have male pattern baldness/thinning hair. MY HAIR IS THINNING-WTF! I am 23 years old…why is my hair falling out like crazy….I have a receding hair line! And then there’s the awesome weight gain or obesity which usually tends to fall on the body around the waist. Yes, I have a little gut/pouch/fupa/whatever you wanna call it now 😦 I’ve never had a flat tummy, but its never been this big before either. I wouldn’t consider myself morbidly obese but I am definitely overweight and in need of some major weight loss. You may look at me and say, “ugh, shutup! you’re not fat” but to be honest…I FEEL that way and my weight just happens to sit differently on my body than other overweight people.

So I’m aware I probably sound like a little bitch complaining about everything but when you have all these small little things adding up and you just feel like absolute shit everyday…you start to feel helpless and that there is something truly wrong with you and you question and notice EVERYTHING that is going on with your body. Even the tiniest thing will send you into panic mode. I can’t tell you how many times I’ll feel a little fluttering in the back of my head and I freak out because I think I’m going to have a brain aneurysm or something like that. It’s crazy. That’s the only way I can describe it. It’s absolutely ridiculous and crazy. I didn’t even mention ALL of the side effects that I have but I’m sure you get the gist…I just don’t feel good anymore and I sound like a psycho.

So if you’re feeling as crazy as I am, I urge you to sit down and make a plan for yourself to try and make yourself feel better…whether it be changing your diet, making more time for yourself, exercising, writing, drawing, painting, knitting, cleaning, WHATEVER it is that you can do to make yourself feel better. DO IT. TAKE ACTION. Don’t sit around and suffer and be lazy like I did. You will regret wasting your time on feeling sick/down in the dumps. You owe it to yourself to make good decisions for your body and mind to make yourself feel better and be the best you can be in everyday life. All you have to do is try!

I wish you nothing but the best if you are embarking on journey with your body and mind like I am. Even if you’re okay and you’re just reading this for the hell of it….I wish you nothing but good health and happiness.

Warm Regards,
-Lydia xoxo

 

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